2019, to me, was such a mental journey. Instabilities remerged from years of pending issues since 2015/2016. I might look fine on the surface. But there were a lot of matters in my head. I was stirred and shaken in most part of the year. However, I could be able to let go of some of them towards the end.
The Shaky First Half
The year started in Bangkok with the uncertainty from 2018 as if I was sailing in a haze. The pressure grew and tapped me into a dark place. My drinking behaviour wasn’t the best. There were times I unnecessarily put myself in a pesky situation. It was a murky headspace to kick off the years.
I couldn’t wait to get back to DC later in January. Works set my mind off those irritations in Bangkok. Also, the trip to Mexico City for the first time in Latin America was invigorating.
Those were the months of escapism. Meanwhile, stiffed mental knots didn’t get undone. Until it got towards the end of the work contract. Two unrelated events alarmed me of changes. One was Terry, the bartender at Songbyrd where I hung out and got drunk every week, quit the pub in late April. And the other was Gold’s Gym Downtown, where I regularly worked out, which closed down in June.
Side note: Pubs and a gym are my third places apart of home (first place) and work (second place). When going back and forth between the two cities, I always keep them as routines for a sense of stability.
Those changes shook me up to think about what I needed to do. I could not just cruise it through anymore. I had to make changes. But did I have the right mindset for it?
The Second Half…Letting Go
I was back in Bangkok in June for three months. The 48-hour travel with multiple layovers (to save money) came along with burdens in my head.
There were two improvements: less depressed mentality and better drinking habits. But I was broke and trapped in a loop of stress and procrastination. Things that should have been done in terms of finance, home, and career prospects were put under the rug.
It was until the last week—after hosting Stilgherrian’s visit and before getting back to DC—I could get my act together. That involved a video production job and moving my stuff out of the apartment to rent it out.
That marked a mind shift. Because I finally could let go of the significant attachment in my life—my very first property. The moving wasn’t as emotional as expected. It was actually a huge sense of relief. Especially, when comparing to the first time reaching out to a real estate agent in January. Then, stress and depression had knocked me on the door. And no action had been taken.
However, it took me on the very last day that I got in touch with another agent to take care of the room. Not long after that, it was rented. We conducted the business while I was back in DC. That way might be better off for me.
Since the room has been taken, I decided to be in DC throughout the work contract. That meant I had to hop off the country somewhere else in December instead of going to Bangkok and staying there for New Year celebration as I had done in the past three years. That was a short trip to Toronto which I’ll post something about it later.
Some notable works in 2019
2019 was mentally and financially exhausting. Noticeably, the mindset gradually shifted—from a messy start early in the year to a lesson of letting go in the end. Still, there is a lot to be done to move on to the next chapter. 2020, I’m up for it!